I know, amor, that the world pushes you by the back to go, to live the day, to eat, to solve the little things, to continue to think about the bodily needs and the worldly order. But the hole in the heart wants your attention, to dive in it, to hide in its darkness where you can cry and make the time stop as it should be...
Stop, time! And let us grieve. Let our tears dry our eyes, let our voice sing the pain, let our mind visit all the moments with him, let our heart scream the love for him, let the fire of sadness burn and from its ashes build a future... A future without his presence, but not without him...
I know it hurts, but I also know that I don't know how much it hurts... I can hear the voice of the child crying for his father, the strength of the man trying to live the life that pushes him, the love of the brother who is smiling to warm his brothers' innocent hearts, the loyalty of the son who is giving his shoulder, his arms, his everything to the halved mother...
I feel helpless to ease your suffering...And I would give anything to protect your divine heart from this sorrow... But I can't... I can only hug you and kiss you and love you. But not to try to compensate for the hole that is inside you, but to make you feel that I am here by your side. With all that I am... I will be by your side to cry, to remember, to enjoy him beyond death : trough his art and through you, trough everything that taught you and through everything you are because of him.
I know it hurts, but I also know that I don't know how much it hurts... The earth keeps moving, the stars keep shining, the people lost in their world push the life forward. And we will stop time, embrace the shadow of pain and forget the world, to let the waves of tears wash us and prepare us for new steps... Without his presence, but not without him...
Monday, October 30, 2017
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Testamentul vieții
Încă de când m-an gândit pentru prima oară asupra morții am simțit repulsie la gândul că aș putea muri în somn, căci mi se părea că ar fi un mod foarte nedrept de a părăsi această lume : fără a fi conștient că mori, fără a avea posibilitatea să îți iei rămas bun de la cei dragi, de la lume, fără a putea să le spui că îi iubești celor cărora n-ai avut curajul niciodată să o faci, fără a pune în ordine ultime lucruri, poate a scrie ultime gânduri.
Mai târziu acest sentiment mi-a fost acutizat după ce unchiul meu care era bolnav de cancer, dar căruia familia a ales să nu îi spună asta, în schimb, să îl mintă că e numai ulcer și că se va face bine, într-o bună zi, care avea să fie printre ultimele zile, și-a pierdut vocea... Deși conștient, putând să își vadă copiii și soția, era incapabil să le spună că îi pare rău, că îi iubește, să aibă grijă de ei sau să le transmită toate cele care probabil i-au stat pe inimă. Îmi imaginam eu că sentimentul de neputință trebuie să fi fost îngrozitor...
După alți mulți ani, am avut un accident de mașină în Cluj care, din fericire, nu s-a soldat cu moartea nimănui. Însă experiența avută m-a făcut să conștientizez un fapt la care nu aș fi avut niciodată acces, fără o experiență directă: că moartea poate veni atât de rapid, într-un moment atât de imprevizibil, încât să nici nu îți dai seama că mori. În mașină povesteam cu persoana care era în dreapta mea când, în mijlocul propoziției am făcut accidentul : mi-am auzit doar propriul strigăt de spaimă, sunetul puternic a două metale puternice care se ciocnesc și nimic. Mi-a luat câteva secunde după aceasta ca să procesez ce se întâmplase și probabil chiar și sunetele auzite au fost procesate după ce evenimentul se întâmplase. În acel moment aș fi putut muri fără chiar a ști acest lucru. Atât de rapidă poate fi moartea...
Acum, iubitule, la moartea tatălui tău am avut o revelație extraordinară care să întregească atitudinea mea față de moarte. Datorită tatălui tău care a avut o viață impresionantă, de o creativitate atât de prolifică cum nu am mai întâlnit nicăieri, de o admirabilă generozitate și cu capacitatea de a-și comunica iubirea persoanelor dragi lui, am învățat în seara când am avut ocazia să ne destăinuim puțin: că de la viață ne luăm la revedere în fiecare zi...
Că nu există certitudine că acel scenariu ideal, în care ești conștient că ești pe moarte și ai timp să faci tot ce poți pentru a-ți lua revedere, va fi trăit. Că adevăratul testament pe care îl lăsăm în urmă sunt cuvintele pe care le rostim astăzi celor din jurul nostru și comportamentele pe care le avem astăzi față de cei dragi. Căci deși uităm că trebuie să murim, prinși fiind în lucrurile mărunte ale vieții de zi cu zi, cu toate acestea putem muri oricând, nepregătiți, neavând șansa să mulțumim celor care ne-au fost alături, să le spunem că îi iubim, să ne punem treburile în ordine, să ne plătim datoriile, să ne împărțim bunurile.
Așa că momentul în care ne luăm rămas bun de la viață este astăzi și în fiecare moment pe care îl trăim. Viața ne este propriul testament. Haideți să spunem acum "te iubesc, mamă" și "te iubesc, tată", "mulțumesc pentru tot ce ai făcut pentru mine și pentru că mi-ai fost aproape", "te iubesc, frățiorule, chiar dacă arareori ți - am spus asta", "te iubesc, iubitule, și mulțumesc că mi -ai arătat iubirea și lumina pe care o persoană minunată o poate radia în fiecare moment", "mulțumesc, prieteni, că mi-ați permis să vă cunosc și mi-ați permis să mă dezvălui în fața voastră așa cum sunt cu adevărat". Haideți să punem toate lucrurile la punct ca și cum ne-am pregăti pentru a ne lua rămas bun în orice moment. Haideți să creăm, să ne lăsăm amprenta asupra lumii în care trăim și să o schimbăm, chiar dacă numai cu un grad înspre bine. Haideți să creștem în noi ce ne-am dorit mereu să fim și să ne creăm fericirea în fiecare zi. Să fim recunoscători pentru fiecare masă, pentru fiecare rază de soare, pentru fiecare nor, pentru fiecare stea, pentru fiecare zâmbet, pentru fiecare sunet, pentru fiecare atingere, pentru fiecare nouă cunoștință.
Poate sună puțin macabru, sau poate puțin clișeistic, dar consider că o asemenea atitudine în fața vieții nu va face decât să crească calitatea acesteia și să ușureze îmbrățișarea propriului salt în neant. Și știu că este greu să întreți o asemenea atitudine de conștientizare a propriei nimicnicii, care să stimuleze o trăire entuziasmată a fiecărei clipe, pentru că obișnuința ne desensibilizează atât de repede și atât de ușor... Iar problemele vieții de zi cu zi ne copleșesc și ele uneori atât de exhaustiv... Dar cred că dacă încercăm să practicăm recunoștința în fiecare zi și urmăm mereu principiile inimii și dorințele acesteia, vom reuși să creăm un testament frumos al vieții asupra cărora cei dragi, rămași în viață, vor putea privi și din care își vor putea adăpa inimile pentru a-și potoli durerea.
Momentul în care ne luăm rămas bun de la viață este astăzi și în fiecare moment pe care îl trăim.
Mai târziu acest sentiment mi-a fost acutizat după ce unchiul meu care era bolnav de cancer, dar căruia familia a ales să nu îi spună asta, în schimb, să îl mintă că e numai ulcer și că se va face bine, într-o bună zi, care avea să fie printre ultimele zile, și-a pierdut vocea... Deși conștient, putând să își vadă copiii și soția, era incapabil să le spună că îi pare rău, că îi iubește, să aibă grijă de ei sau să le transmită toate cele care probabil i-au stat pe inimă. Îmi imaginam eu că sentimentul de neputință trebuie să fi fost îngrozitor...
După alți mulți ani, am avut un accident de mașină în Cluj care, din fericire, nu s-a soldat cu moartea nimănui. Însă experiența avută m-a făcut să conștientizez un fapt la care nu aș fi avut niciodată acces, fără o experiență directă: că moartea poate veni atât de rapid, într-un moment atât de imprevizibil, încât să nici nu îți dai seama că mori. În mașină povesteam cu persoana care era în dreapta mea când, în mijlocul propoziției am făcut accidentul : mi-am auzit doar propriul strigăt de spaimă, sunetul puternic a două metale puternice care se ciocnesc și nimic. Mi-a luat câteva secunde după aceasta ca să procesez ce se întâmplase și probabil chiar și sunetele auzite au fost procesate după ce evenimentul se întâmplase. În acel moment aș fi putut muri fără chiar a ști acest lucru. Atât de rapidă poate fi moartea...
Acum, iubitule, la moartea tatălui tău am avut o revelație extraordinară care să întregească atitudinea mea față de moarte. Datorită tatălui tău care a avut o viață impresionantă, de o creativitate atât de prolifică cum nu am mai întâlnit nicăieri, de o admirabilă generozitate și cu capacitatea de a-și comunica iubirea persoanelor dragi lui, am învățat în seara când am avut ocazia să ne destăinuim puțin: că de la viață ne luăm la revedere în fiecare zi...
Că nu există certitudine că acel scenariu ideal, în care ești conștient că ești pe moarte și ai timp să faci tot ce poți pentru a-ți lua revedere, va fi trăit. Că adevăratul testament pe care îl lăsăm în urmă sunt cuvintele pe care le rostim astăzi celor din jurul nostru și comportamentele pe care le avem astăzi față de cei dragi. Căci deși uităm că trebuie să murim, prinși fiind în lucrurile mărunte ale vieții de zi cu zi, cu toate acestea putem muri oricând, nepregătiți, neavând șansa să mulțumim celor care ne-au fost alături, să le spunem că îi iubim, să ne punem treburile în ordine, să ne plătim datoriile, să ne împărțim bunurile.
Așa că momentul în care ne luăm rămas bun de la viață este astăzi și în fiecare moment pe care îl trăim. Viața ne este propriul testament. Haideți să spunem acum "te iubesc, mamă" și "te iubesc, tată", "mulțumesc pentru tot ce ai făcut pentru mine și pentru că mi-ai fost aproape", "te iubesc, frățiorule, chiar dacă arareori ți - am spus asta", "te iubesc, iubitule, și mulțumesc că mi -ai arătat iubirea și lumina pe care o persoană minunată o poate radia în fiecare moment", "mulțumesc, prieteni, că mi-ați permis să vă cunosc și mi-ați permis să mă dezvălui în fața voastră așa cum sunt cu adevărat". Haideți să punem toate lucrurile la punct ca și cum ne-am pregăti pentru a ne lua rămas bun în orice moment. Haideți să creăm, să ne lăsăm amprenta asupra lumii în care trăim și să o schimbăm, chiar dacă numai cu un grad înspre bine. Haideți să creștem în noi ce ne-am dorit mereu să fim și să ne creăm fericirea în fiecare zi. Să fim recunoscători pentru fiecare masă, pentru fiecare rază de soare, pentru fiecare nor, pentru fiecare stea, pentru fiecare zâmbet, pentru fiecare sunet, pentru fiecare atingere, pentru fiecare nouă cunoștință.
Poate sună puțin macabru, sau poate puțin clișeistic, dar consider că o asemenea atitudine în fața vieții nu va face decât să crească calitatea acesteia și să ușureze îmbrățișarea propriului salt în neant. Și știu că este greu să întreți o asemenea atitudine de conștientizare a propriei nimicnicii, care să stimuleze o trăire entuziasmată a fiecărei clipe, pentru că obișnuința ne desensibilizează atât de repede și atât de ușor... Iar problemele vieții de zi cu zi ne copleșesc și ele uneori atât de exhaustiv... Dar cred că dacă încercăm să practicăm recunoștința în fiecare zi și urmăm mereu principiile inimii și dorințele acesteia, vom reuși să creăm un testament frumos al vieții asupra cărora cei dragi, rămași în viață, vor putea privi și din care își vor putea adăpa inimile pentru a-și potoli durerea.
Momentul în care ne luăm rămas bun de la viață este astăzi și în fiecare moment pe care îl trăim.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
The true meaning of "us"
I have learned so many things from you, beloved... Starting from the very first days I met you, the days that you taught again how to appreciate life with the simple fact of being the amazing way you are. In those days I have seen how you were welcoming the mornings with your hands up in the air, I have seen so many people greeting you and being honestly happy to see you again, I have felt the peace that is part of your essence and that could be felt in your presence, I have felt the empathy, the honesty and the wisdom that you put in every discussion, I have seen you smiling all the time, but also being serious and so beautifully focused when needed, I have discovered your creativity, sensitivity and deepness when you told me about imagining your life like a book with chapters and pages and in that unforgettable night when we talked about the sky, the universe and that Mexican ritual that was illustrating our discussion.
And after that, every time I had the chance to get closer and closer to you and to get to know you better and better, you have taught me so many things by the way you were thinking and by the way you were behaving. You have taught me kindness in many situations when my reactions were of selfishness (like that time [although not only that time, but countless times], when I didn't wash your swimming dress, but you did wash mine), you have taught me how to be playful and allowing the creativity to grow and fly in these playful little reactions and little discussion that we have by ourselves and even with others (like when you have funny names in our dailies), you have taught me how to be loyal even in the little things of daily life (like when you always play in a team-like manner in our boardgames, not wanting to hurt me not even in those virtual situations or when you refuse to do something if I am not doing it either), you have taught me how be a true philosopher by appreciating the immensity of little things and thinking and thinking so much and about so many things when being in social situation, when being with your beloved or even when being alone, in the darkness and listening to the fireplace sounds. You have taught me what braveness is by coming to the other side of the world to live in a country where even talking its language is scary just for wanting to improve your condition and for wanting a better life. You have taught me how to pay attention to the little things, to observe the details around you, the little nuances that makes a difference, but that no many people are capable of observing.
But the most unexpected thing that you have thought me is the true meaning of us... I was not even aware that I didn't know what means to be truly with someone, to share honestly and totally yourself, until you taught me again and again in so many situations. When I was getting sad and I was hiding inside myself, building a wall around me, you were gently spreading an arm to show to me that I am not alone, that I can trust you to share even my sad feelings, because together everything is easier to overcome. You have taught me something that no one could: to share the responsibility of money. I have the bad tendency to pay for everything, but your decision to talk about it, to find ways how we can confront this instinct of mine proved me that, no matter how well rooted an irrational behavior can be, I can un-learn it slowly, but surely by your side. You have taught me that being with someone is making her a priority in your life, above anything and everything; it's thinking about a future by her side and fighting and taking decisions accordingly, to give a shape to that future, to try to make it happen; it's sharing with her all the details of every day, because life is made by the little pieces of every second, of every hour, and sharing them is sharing life; it's being accomplice with her by telling things that no one knows and thus building a shared world, inaccessible by outside, because it's surrounded by a wall of trust; it's paying attention to what she says not only to the words, which you so impressively do, but to the true meaning that hides behind them; it's learning her language, because you want to share your feelings through the channel that she used the most to experienced this life.
You have taught me that us means that I am not longer alone. And as obvious it might sounds, for me it was not obvious at all. You have thought me that everything I do in the area of myself it can also impact us and that myself and us are no longer different. I was not protecting us when I was hiding myself deep, deep in a hole, cutting the access and building barrier, what I was doing was proving that I don't know what us means. Because us is a stunningly immense and complex garden that can not survive without the joint care of two gardeners and that many flowers and trees will suffer when one of the gardeners is leaving, letting the other one alone, confused and overwhelmed.
I couldn't see it in the beginning, like a human can't think the unimaginable, like he can't understand how it could be to live without time, or like he can't imagine how a 4-dimensional cube looks like. I couldn't see it, because I didn't know that I didn't know it. But I have learned it, amor, I have learned the true meaning of us like a flower learns to survive by embracing the warm, invigorating, steady rays of sun: I have embraced your acts of love and I have learned the true meaning of us... of nosotros... of noi.
And after that, every time I had the chance to get closer and closer to you and to get to know you better and better, you have taught me so many things by the way you were thinking and by the way you were behaving. You have taught me kindness in many situations when my reactions were of selfishness (like that time [although not only that time, but countless times], when I didn't wash your swimming dress, but you did wash mine), you have taught me how to be playful and allowing the creativity to grow and fly in these playful little reactions and little discussion that we have by ourselves and even with others (like when you have funny names in our dailies), you have taught me how to be loyal even in the little things of daily life (like when you always play in a team-like manner in our boardgames, not wanting to hurt me not even in those virtual situations or when you refuse to do something if I am not doing it either), you have taught me how be a true philosopher by appreciating the immensity of little things and thinking and thinking so much and about so many things when being in social situation, when being with your beloved or even when being alone, in the darkness and listening to the fireplace sounds. You have taught me what braveness is by coming to the other side of the world to live in a country where even talking its language is scary just for wanting to improve your condition and for wanting a better life. You have taught me how to pay attention to the little things, to observe the details around you, the little nuances that makes a difference, but that no many people are capable of observing.
But the most unexpected thing that you have thought me is the true meaning of us... I was not even aware that I didn't know what means to be truly with someone, to share honestly and totally yourself, until you taught me again and again in so many situations. When I was getting sad and I was hiding inside myself, building a wall around me, you were gently spreading an arm to show to me that I am not alone, that I can trust you to share even my sad feelings, because together everything is easier to overcome. You have taught me something that no one could: to share the responsibility of money. I have the bad tendency to pay for everything, but your decision to talk about it, to find ways how we can confront this instinct of mine proved me that, no matter how well rooted an irrational behavior can be, I can un-learn it slowly, but surely by your side. You have taught me that being with someone is making her a priority in your life, above anything and everything; it's thinking about a future by her side and fighting and taking decisions accordingly, to give a shape to that future, to try to make it happen; it's sharing with her all the details of every day, because life is made by the little pieces of every second, of every hour, and sharing them is sharing life; it's being accomplice with her by telling things that no one knows and thus building a shared world, inaccessible by outside, because it's surrounded by a wall of trust; it's paying attention to what she says not only to the words, which you so impressively do, but to the true meaning that hides behind them; it's learning her language, because you want to share your feelings through the channel that she used the most to experienced this life.
You have taught me that us means that I am not longer alone. And as obvious it might sounds, for me it was not obvious at all. You have thought me that everything I do in the area of myself it can also impact us and that myself and us are no longer different. I was not protecting us when I was hiding myself deep, deep in a hole, cutting the access and building barrier, what I was doing was proving that I don't know what us means. Because us is a stunningly immense and complex garden that can not survive without the joint care of two gardeners and that many flowers and trees will suffer when one of the gardeners is leaving, letting the other one alone, confused and overwhelmed.
I couldn't see it in the beginning, like a human can't think the unimaginable, like he can't understand how it could be to live without time, or like he can't imagine how a 4-dimensional cube looks like. I couldn't see it, because I didn't know that I didn't know it. But I have learned it, amor, I have learned the true meaning of us like a flower learns to survive by embracing the warm, invigorating, steady rays of sun: I have embraced your acts of love and I have learned the true meaning of us... of nosotros... of noi.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
The connection between two minds
I am a skeptical person and I don't believe in telepathy. Although an appealing idea, there are no facts or experiments to support it. What I do believe in, though, because of you, my love, is in the connection between two minds.
A connection which is possible because of and with love. Love is the waves that carry the information from one mind to another and which allows the channels between them to be clear. Because love is the feeling that makes you reveal yourself in the most honest way possible. You offer yourself naked and vulnerable so the other one can really see you and so he can have access to all your thoughts, which most of the time remain unrevealed in the shallow connections with most of the people around you.
In the same time, you clear the channels between you and the other, by letting your mind to be open when the other one is offering himself to you. And not only that, but you actively search to understand him. And when all that you discover in him satisfies your deepest dreams and desires, you feed that craving to explore him more and more, in many situations, regarding many topics and aspects.
So when this two states are to be found in both persons, then the amazing miracle of a connection between two minds is possible. If those two persons have already the same answers to the existential dilemmas and if they think alike about the most fundamental aspects of life, then the communication can be even more clear and efficient and the connection stronger.Those two minds get to know each other, their textures, the way of functioning and even though they do not and can not know each other 100% because of their complexity and of their continuous change, the intuition about each other is an impressive side effect. In this point the two lovers can think about each other in approximately the same moment of the day, they start to propose to do activities that the other one also wants around the same time.
Nevertheless, I must admit that I don't completely understand the phenomenon and it perplexes me. It gave me the awe that people have when thinking about god: it's like a miracle beyond my comprehension, that impresses me so much while giving me such a pure and intense happiness! It sometimes make me think and feel that love is another force of nature that can have a physical impact on its carriers. It's a force that gives sense of meaning and purpose to the lovers, its action span is on great distances, can conquer, manipulate even go beyond time, stimulates creativity so is the source of many objects (art pieces, novels, songs, studies, poems) and events in society, makes the lovers to improve themselves, to become better, even the best version of themselves and, not the least, obliterates the borders of the self while melting with other self to create the "us". Only by learning how to give, the core action of being kind, you can transcend yourself to touch the other.
For all this amazing miracles I do believe that love is a yet unstudied, but very present force in the universe and that because of it two minds can be connected in a totally different level than the one we are used with when we are alone.
Learn to love, love to love and you will have access to this earthly, but so divine dimension!
A connection which is possible because of and with love. Love is the waves that carry the information from one mind to another and which allows the channels between them to be clear. Because love is the feeling that makes you reveal yourself in the most honest way possible. You offer yourself naked and vulnerable so the other one can really see you and so he can have access to all your thoughts, which most of the time remain unrevealed in the shallow connections with most of the people around you.
In the same time, you clear the channels between you and the other, by letting your mind to be open when the other one is offering himself to you. And not only that, but you actively search to understand him. And when all that you discover in him satisfies your deepest dreams and desires, you feed that craving to explore him more and more, in many situations, regarding many topics and aspects.
So when this two states are to be found in both persons, then the amazing miracle of a connection between two minds is possible. If those two persons have already the same answers to the existential dilemmas and if they think alike about the most fundamental aspects of life, then the communication can be even more clear and efficient and the connection stronger.Those two minds get to know each other, their textures, the way of functioning and even though they do not and can not know each other 100% because of their complexity and of their continuous change, the intuition about each other is an impressive side effect. In this point the two lovers can think about each other in approximately the same moment of the day, they start to propose to do activities that the other one also wants around the same time.
Nevertheless, I must admit that I don't completely understand the phenomenon and it perplexes me. It gave me the awe that people have when thinking about god: it's like a miracle beyond my comprehension, that impresses me so much while giving me such a pure and intense happiness! It sometimes make me think and feel that love is another force of nature that can have a physical impact on its carriers. It's a force that gives sense of meaning and purpose to the lovers, its action span is on great distances, can conquer, manipulate even go beyond time, stimulates creativity so is the source of many objects (art pieces, novels, songs, studies, poems) and events in society, makes the lovers to improve themselves, to become better, even the best version of themselves and, not the least, obliterates the borders of the self while melting with other self to create the "us". Only by learning how to give, the core action of being kind, you can transcend yourself to touch the other.
For all this amazing miracles I do believe that love is a yet unstudied, but very present force in the universe and that because of it two minds can be connected in a totally different level than the one we are used with when we are alone.
Learn to love, love to love and you will have access to this earthly, but so divine dimension!
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
First snow
The color of the snow is the color of purity. When everything is covered in the light white of snow it's like the worldly things are hidden below a layer of dreamy clouds of heaven. To stay and contemplate the touched by no feet snow is to live in a timeless moment of peace and serenity. To get lost in watching the soft and fairytale-like dance of the big snowflakes in the air is to be the witness of a miracle: the wondrous gift of Earth for its tiny, playful humans.
But to have them all by the side of the one, unique heart in this Universe that you love, is like dipping your soul in the sweetness of a real dream. It's like life fulfills its destiny and floods the divine winter journey of the two luckiest hearts with its essence and all its mysteries and answers.
Thank you, my beloved, for offering me your pure love in the purity of the snow ! For letting your mind, heart and fantasies to discover the white miracle, to freely play with it and to bravely trust it in the manner you did. Thank you for letting me be part of your first snow, for allowing and trusting me to be your guide. And thank you for seeing its beauty and for sharing the wonder that kindled in your heart ! I hope to have the chance to see that truly happy and amazed look that mirrors your sensitive heart in as many winters and in as many days as possible !
But to have them all by the side of the one, unique heart in this Universe that you love, is like dipping your soul in the sweetness of a real dream. It's like life fulfills its destiny and floods the divine winter journey of the two luckiest hearts with its essence and all its mysteries and answers.
Thank you, my beloved, for offering me your pure love in the purity of the snow ! For letting your mind, heart and fantasies to discover the white miracle, to freely play with it and to bravely trust it in the manner you did. Thank you for letting me be part of your first snow, for allowing and trusting me to be your guide. And thank you for seeing its beauty and for sharing the wonder that kindled in your heart ! I hope to have the chance to see that truly happy and amazed look that mirrors your sensitive heart in as many winters and in as many days as possible !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)